Esther Greenwood

Women Suck

In Uncategorized on January 14, 2010 at 7:30 pm

Recently, while taking a break at work I started up a g-chat conversation with my friend Ben.  Other than my beau, Ben is the funniest man I know.  And frankly, I’ve known him longer so he’s made me laugh more than anyone else on the planet.  Seriously.  Ben  makes me laugh every single time I talk to him.  He’s a regular Andy Richter, save I’m the side kick and he’s more a Conan.  (And both apparently lack a Late Show.  Oooooh.  I am not funny.)

Anyway.  Ben was discussing the stereotype that men always think women are flirting with them.  This stereotype pisses me off, because women cite it as a “how dare he fall in love with me I was just being nice by talking to him everyday/buying him gifts/telling him how much I needed him in my life.”  I am here to set the record straight, gentlemen.  Women know exactly what they are doing.   While I like to play the victim as much as any girl, when it comes to this particular stereotype you’ve got it right.  We’re flirting, and if we deny it we just don’t want to admit it because frankly we don’t want the responsibility of your broken heart.

Women are taught that attention = worth.  So, we’ve quickly discovered that if we talk to you and you take a shine to us that makes us feel good about ourselves.  We have worth!  This is why women refrain from mentioning they have boyfriends (see this article from Gawker) when they first meet strange (and likely cute) men, and this is why when we have a boyfriend we’ll string you along for a little bit.  Because we’re immature, and we want attention.  We want love.  And even if our boyfriend is buying us diamonds and all that, if we can make you fall in love with us, it’s another gem for the emotional worth treasure chest.

I’m well aware this makes us sound like assholes.  And I’m sorry to admit, a lot of us are.

I hate these women.  Seriously, I loathe them.  I’d go Terminator on their tight, skinny-jeaned asses if I could.  I hate these women for several reasons.  For one thing, I’ve been dumped for these kinds of women more than once.  And I’ve fallen for it from the male angle, too.  I’ve had the perfectly lovely boyfriend who adored me, only to get strung along by Fuckwad only to end up with no boyfriend and Fuckwad refusing to commit.  So when it’s happening, I know it’s happening, and I’m useless to fight it.

After all, as a male or female in that situation, where you see your best friend or, worse, significant other falling for the bullshit immature wiles of someone else, how do you act?  Do you point out that The Other Person is fucking with them and inheritantly evil?  Do you deny them the chance to run away with The Other Person and hope they don’t begrudge you for the rest of your relationship?  Or do you follow that axim, “if you love them let them go” and hope for the best?

I guess what pisses me off the most is the lack of honesty in these women.  (While men pull this shit too, for clarity in this entry I’m keeping it women.)  If you want my friend or boyfriend then fine, let’s have a fair fight.  Let’s lay our cards on the table.  (Card One: You suck.  I don’t.  Card Two: You’re an untrustworthy bitch.  I’ve been nothing but loving.)  But by sneakily flirting, you don’t give me or my friend/boyfriend a fair chance.  It’s all innuendo and mystique, and that’s a powerful, powerful aphrodisiac.

Now, here’s our saving grace: the man in the middle.  If he’s worth his salt, if he’s worth your attention, he’ll figure out soon enough that The Other Person is Satan’s Mistress and leave her in her soul-clenching dust, screaming like a banshee and on the prowl for another hapless victim.  If he falls for it, if he willingly goes down that dark path we’ve all gone down at least once, wish him godspeed.  It’s not you.  It truly is him.   And who knows.  Maybe you’ll meet him on the other end.  Chances are you won’t.  But either way, there’s someone out there, safe from his/her wiles and willing to not look a gift horse (you, yes, you’re a horse) in the mouth.

[I love that it takes being mad at my sex to get me out of blogging retirement.]

The Five Love Languages

In Uncategorized on September 26, 2009 at 6:37 am

Years ago, I was sitting on my ass watching old tapes of The X-Files when my friend Spam came online full of wisdom and insight he learned from some class in college.  He kept talking about something that sounded straight out of a Dr. Phil book, the “five love languages.”  I ignored it for the most part: for one thing it sounded incredibly hokey, plus usually when this topic came up I was single and it never occurred to me to research the matter for my friends’ benefit.

However, corniness aside, I asked Spam not too long ago to re-explain to me this whole “love language” theory.  Spam, I have to say, is part of one of the longest, sanest, and by far the happiest, relationship I’ve ever seen.  He and his girlfriend Katie love each other, and are so damn good at encouraging one another and being there for one another it almost makes you sick (but not really because you are so happy for them).  Spam tipped his relationship success to what he learned about the five love languages, so I’m here to share because this is supposed to be a blog about dating and relationships and not just full of funny and inappropriate stories or me venting and or pondering.

According to Spam, who is quoting this dude Gary Chapman, there are five ways we humans express love.  The below is a quote from this site:

  • Words of Affirmation
    This is when you say how nice your spouse looks, or how great the dinner tasted. These words will also build your mate’s self image and confidence.
  • Quality Time
    Some spouses believe that being together, doing things together and focusing in on one another is the best way to show love. If this is your partner’s love language, turn off the TV now and then and give one another some undivided attention.
  • Gifts
    It is universal in human cultures to give gifts. They don’t have to be expensive to send a powerful message of love. Spouses who forget a birthday or anniversary or who never give gifts to someone who truly enjoys gift giving will find themselves with a spouse who feels neglected and unloved.
  • Acts of Service
    Discovering how you can best do something for your spouse will require time and creativity. These acts of service like vacuuming, hanging a bird feeder, planting a garden, etc., need to be done with joy in order to be perceived as a gift of love.
  • Physical Touch
    Sometimes just stroking your spouse’s back, holding hands, or a peck on the cheek will fulfill this need.

Now, as Spam (and this Chapman dude) explain it, we don’t all “express” our love in the same way.  As Spam recounts: “Words of affirmation, compliments, are really important to me, and probably my most important love language, for receiving.  When I was going out with XXX, she would never SAY nice things to me, so I thought she didn’t like me.  We broke up after six months because of it… turns out she was in love with me, I just wasn’t picking up her signals.”

So, the moral is, we’re supposed to use these different expressions to show people we care, and recognize the fact that we don’t all show in the same way, and adapt/recognize the other person’s “language” and try to see that just because they aren’t, say, holding your hand doesn’t mean they don’t love you, yadda yadda yadda.  At the same time, if the girl or fella wants their hand held, learn to hold their hand.  It’s a give and take thing.  You have to work it out, compromise.

And now it sounds like I am lecturing.

I swear, most of my other posts will be hip and cool.

So, anyway, I was thinking about this the other day, because I like to give people gifts.  Little things, like a note or flowers or cookies.  And I’m reminded of something my dear friend Stella told me once, about how at times it can be exhausting/daunting to be my friend (this is not to build myself up) because she couldn’t keep up with it, she showed her affection for our friendship in other ways (listening to me vent over and over about the same damn issue or person, for example). And I understood this and accepted this.

I’ve got to give this Chapman guy some credit, though I really do wish he’d change his theory’s moniker.  I’m reminded of how hurt and frustrated I was when I dated a gay guy (I didn’t know at the time he was gay) because he would never touch me (duh, dude dug dudes) or verbally say nice things to me or encourage me (I’m with Spam on the emphasis of the verbal front, as a writer I guess words are doubly important to me, though “actions speak louder,” so I don’t know… maybe I’m full of it– ANYWAY).  But what he did do to show he cared was, to use Chapman’s phrasing, the “acts of service” and “gifts.”  I can only see that now, five years later.  At the time I thought he didn’t give a shit about me.  And while I know now he didn’t in the way I wanted, I do believe he cared in some regard.  We just spoke a different language (and had different interests, or one main similar one).  And in the end, that ruined us.

If you go off of popular entertainment, a woman’s primary “love language” (I still cringe when I type that) is the “words of affirmation” and “quality time.”  Get those two together and it’s a cuddle fest on the couch talking about feelings, a guy’s favorite thing to do.  Hardy har har.  I crack myself up.  Oy.   According to this same popular entertainment stereotype, men’s primary “love language” would fall under “gifts,” “acts of service,” and “physical touch.”  I’m not one to give credence to stereotypes, but notice the lack of overlap.

Anyway, I just thought I’d post this interesting theory up there.  Next post will be something wicked or funny or at least a little less Oprah, a little more Dan Savage.  Maybe with a little Ellen.

Sex Horror Stories, Part One

In Uncategorized on September 22, 2009 at 3:18 am

So, it’s been awhile.  I apologize.  To make up for it, I am going to share a funny true sex story shared with me by a med student acquaintance years ago.

My friend Josh was working as an intern at a hospital in New York.  Once, while working the late shift, a man and woman came in.  The woman had severe burns and the man was in extreme pain.  This was their story:

The man and woman, we’ll call them Claude and Claudette, decided to get high one night.  They got stoned, and started having such a good, relaxing time they decided getting naked could only add to the fun.  So they hung about the apartment butt-naked.  Joy.  Claude, as some stoned folk do, got hungry.  He decided to make himself some pancakes.  So he went into the kitchen and started flipping some flapjacks– still naked.

Well, nothing says sexy to a woman like a man who can cook.  Claudette felt herself getting a little horny, and decided in her stoned glory it was a good idea to go down on Claude while he was standing, flipping those flapjacks.  So she started giving him oral, and Claude got so into it he lost control of his pan and dropped it on Claudette’s fragile head.  Well, that pan was hot, dammit, and covered in hot pancake mix.  Claudette went into shock and bit down on Claude’s manparts.  This, of course, hurt like a bitch.  Claude, panicked, trying to get Claudette off of him, started beating Claudette over the head repeatedly with the burning pan. Both ended up in the hospital.

I can’t remember how they turned out, other than okay/alive.  Josh and I have lost touch and he hasn’t returned my text, so I can’t relieve your fears.  But there’s a funny story for you all!  The moral– carbs really are the enemy.